Check. And Mate. Biotch.

so...

i like to think of my chess skillz, as the kids say, as on the high end of mediocre, right? well, i have been here regularly handed my ass more handily than i think, perhaps, ever. seriously. the match notation goes a little something like this:

1. e2-e4       b7-b6 (A, O, BTW, HYA...)

"and, oh, by the way, here's your ass..."

one of our translators--the fellow whom i've been playing--goes by the name butcher (none of our iraqi mates use their real names for safety concerns), because, as he says in his light accent, "i am a chess butcher."

and how.

he was kind enough to offer that of his 30 american opponents, i was to date his most skilled "victim;" i believe this was meant as a compliment. holy. crap. i was completely on the run for the first two matches; it was pitiful, and embarassing. i finally fought him almost to a standstill in the third match, where we were down to kings and pawns, but his king was more active--so he ultimately would have queened a pawn and taken me yet again. that was the first match where he commented graciously that i "made [him] have to think."

i mean, honestly, one cannot even call this guy's mechanics mechanics because they're so elegant. our styles are remarkably similar, as he plays defensively like unto me, and it's almost a joy to watch him systematically dismantle my assaults because i learn so much; the key is retaining it. as black he fianchetto's early on the queenside and uses that bishop to control the pawn square (in the last match i stymied that diagonal entirely by blocking it with pawns, which kept the balance even)... and as white he's fond of using his pawns as battering rams to incredible effect. well, eventually it comes out--as he gleefully forces me into another kings and pawns resignation--that he's played competitively since before i was born, apparently even making it to the national finals in the '70s. here my bruised ego slaps a cold steak on itself, and i rally for yet another sound trouncing.

would that all contests of will were so gentlemanly and good-natured.